At Mikes last visit to his mother the hospital staff informed him that she had been requesting to let her die and asked if he would like to have her breathing tubes removed and let her go. Mike told me this and we talked all morning on this, both of us crying as we know it's the right thing to do, that it's what she realy wants, both of us watching the clock till the 4:30 visiting hour when Mike said "let's go do this". I wanted to see her, to show her pictures of Sean, and of Cici, that she may be able to see them 1 last time before she goes as yesterday the outlook was very grim. So the plan was for Mike to go in and find out how long she might last if they remove the tube, as we want to have enough time to get her out of the hospital, and have her loved ones with her when she goes, then he would come and get me so that I could talk to her 1 last time, then I would go back out to Sean while he said his goodbyes. Well we arrived at the hospital, and Mike went in while I sat with Sean in the waiting are, Mike came back out and I went and said my goodbyes to Jackie, asking her to watch over my boys for me, that I would take care of them as best I could, but that I needed her to watch over them, the whole time, watching her mouth the words "I love you Shawna" and "Let me go." Finally I went back out to Mike and Sean, I asked Mike if he had asked about the tubes, and he replied "No, I'm not gonna do this now. They did a catscan earlier and are waiting for the results, so I'm gonna see what they say first."  So Mike went back in to talk to her and when we left he asked me if I could understand anything of what she was saying to me, I said other that I love you and let me go I couldnt say, Mike was surprised that she had said let me go and said that while he was in there, Jackie kept patting her chest and pointing out. The only way that she could get her message across. We left the hospital and shortly after we got home the hospital called to tell us they found a blood clot on her lung which is whats keeping her blood gas's from normalizing when they try to extubate her, that they were going to give her some blood thinners to alleviate the clot and that she should recover. A couple hours ago, I went to get Mike and I some dinner, and as I was driving, it finally clicked, This past year, Jackie has been telling me that she doesnt want to go to the hospital again because they hurt her, that she doesnt want to die in the hospital, that she doesnt want to be alone when she dies. I thought she meant that the actually abused her in some way, she was trying to tell me then, aall they do in the hospital, is prolong her agony, they get her breathing well enough to come home in pain, waiting for the next attack, where all she can say is "OH" as she trying to breathe, OH OH OH, over and over again, screaming it to get one of our attention to come to her side. She's not asking for help in these OH's, she simply does not want to be alone as she passes.

I'm so angry right now, angry at myself for not seeing this sooner, and angry at Mike for not doing what he needs to do, what he wont let me do, to help end her suffering. I let her believe that it was all going to be over soon today, we said our goodbyes to eachother, and now she's still lying in the hospital bed while they keep giving her hope, Hope for what? At least there she's sedated, can rest, and in no where near the pain she is at home, she's peaceful, and I have to ask myself isnt that how I would want it? Trus she doesnt want to die alone or in the hospital, and if we take the tubes out, theres no telling how long it would be, but, wouldnt it be better than enduring the pain there would be, waiting for it here at home. So tonight, I am goig to write a Prayer, a Prayer for the dying. Jackie is a wonderful woman, an honery bitch that I love very much, and cant stand to see hurt anymore, and I ask the same of anyone reading this, as Mike cant find the strength within himself to "make the decision to kill my mother" as he puts it, and I simply want to help her to be free of this body that has her spirit trapped, Please say a Prayer for Jackie, she needs all the help that she can get. I will keep you all posted. I love you all and Blessed Be.